today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
