my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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