remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
