Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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