Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
