he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my poor anus
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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