So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
