So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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