he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
