Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
