i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
