Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
