My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
