the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize