my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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