he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
