i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
