They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
