My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
