I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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