I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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