Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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