I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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