smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
