i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
