I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
