I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I will die if light touches me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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