Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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