so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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