if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
