I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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