Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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