Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I still have a little drunk in my system
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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