$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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