So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
