I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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