Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
barbara walters just said penis...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
