but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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