Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
