my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
