If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
