i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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