How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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