Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
