Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
