Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In other news, I just burned my penis
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
