2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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