I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
