I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
