Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
