Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
