Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
