She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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