i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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