I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
