The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
