You just made me feel so damn special
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
