I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
