I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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